And It Was Beautiful

I wondered when it would happen. And it finally has. And it's so unearthing. I don't know how it happened. I didn't even ask for it, I think.

But I am finally tired. Tired of it all. I am so ready for change. For right. For me. For Him.

I want to be done with this place. And these people. I want to go. But it will happen soon enough. Then I can be me.

It's so hard to change, to be different, to be you, when you've been a certain person for so long. People don't want to let you change. They want you to stay just as they've known you. Because it's comfortable. Because it benefits them.

Now I don't mean all people. Just the majority around here, in my life. But I mean, it's totally understandable, right? It's human nature. To want to feel safe, to not want things to change.

I think.

Anyways, I know I will not be the same friend I was to a lotta people. The friend that they want me to be. And I know that they will not understand why, and they will be bitter and angry with me. But I will love them always. More than they will ever know. But I must let them go.. To be free.

I am blessed. I will never comprehend this change in me. But it has come. And it was time. And it was beautiful.

Her Very Own

She came here for one dance with you. And when she thought of life, she thought of that long lonely road with beauty's favorite trees. Her season gave birth to the wind, and the sun created those colors that dazzled down upon her. She was a tragedy from the very beginning. And all her flaws made her easy to let go. But she loved you, and when she couldn't take it anymore she fell. She stepped all over herself to get her fix of you, because any little bit was better than nothing. And when her eyes perceived the darkness in all the light, her heart broke yet again. Yes, she was her very own tragedy. But her heart must have been the strongest I'd ever felt. Because after every break, came another.

Growing Up

I never ever thought that life would go so much unlike how I thought it would go. I've heard ppl say that life never goes as planned, but I never could've imagined this. Unplanned was supposed to mean a career change, maybe an unexpected boyfriend, not totally and completely upside down. I wake up everyday and think of how I have no idea what's going to happen next, and it scares the buhjesus out of me. And at the same time, it's so exciting. I have no idea what's going to happen next. My life is kind of unplanned. And it's exciting. I was all about plans when I was younger. Had my whole life planned. Not detailed, of course, but basic ideas. Graduate high school with good grades, get into a good college, do really well, be involved, start a career, be really successful, make everyone proud, fall in love, get married, have the perfect life. And while some of those things, most of those things, are still very well possible, I see those ideas so differently now. Life isn't something that you plan and you wait for to happen. It's something that you gotta work at everyday. 'Cause life is only gonna give you what you put into it. It's not gonna give you your perfect plan, and it doesn't care how you thought it was supposed to be.

It doesn't care how you thought it was supposed to be. You gotta make life happen for you. I sit around dreaming, thinking of what I should be doing, how things should be, and all the while, that's all I'm doing, is sitting.

Life is really doing a number on me right now. I'm growing more than I ever thought I would. I guess this is what growing up is. I'm so scared and so happy.

For the first time in my life, I don't feel incomplete. I feel like everything I need is right here inside of me. It's not that I'm done growing, or I'm perfect, or I got it all together; it's just that I know that everything that I could ever need is right here inside of me. All I gotta do is believe that I can, and I can pull it right out from inside of me. Whatever I need.

Isn't It Terrible..

Is it terrible that I hate when ppl tell me what to do? I mean, unless it's work-related of course. I just hate it. It's like, "Oh, really, I'm so stupid that I didn't know that." It just annoys me, ya know.

Anywho, I tried on a pair of jeans today that wouldn't even button on me last year & they fit! =] It's very exciting.

So I'm goin' to Texas to visit my brother & drive back up with him & I'm SOO excited!

I've been thinking a lot lately of why school didn't work out for me. I mean, when I think about it, and me, and my ability, it just doesn't make any sense. At all. I just do not get it. And yet it didn't. I've been thinking about going back, but what if the same thing happens. What do I do then? I just don't wanna try anymore.

I've also been thinking about what I really wanna do with my life, and there are so many things that I would love to do. When it comes right down to it, though, I definitely wanna stick to law enforcement. And there are so many things in that field that I would love to do. I'm thinking it'd be pretty bad ass to get a degree in communications. I don't know, though. I'm really hoping this whole Navy thing works out, though. I could totally see myself as a college student for a few years, living that life. I would love it. When I think about it. But when I was actually there, I sucked so much. It didn't turn out how I thought it would. I don't get it. I'm smart, I love school, I love learning, I love math, I'm good at it, I love science, things just click for me. But my grades SOO did not reflect that at all. Idk, I just wasn't motivated to do well. Maybe learning like that, in that environment, just isn't for me. That's why I wanna try a different way, a different environment. I know I can be successful. Atleast I hope so.

I Need To Start.. Now.

Okay, so I'm sitting here on the internet when I have so many things that I need to do. I always do this, though. I tell myself that I'm not going to, and then I do it anyway. I really need to stop. I come home, I sit down, turn on the teevee/go on the internet, and just get stuck. Stuck. That's it. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this place that I keep telling myself that I could get out of, but I never seem to be able to. I want to be productive and prove to myself that I can do things that I never thought I was strong enough to do before. I wanna be like those ppl that I look up to, and say, "Man, they're strong. They're so different from me. I wish I could do that. Do what I dream of."

I wanna lose 30, 40 pounds. Get in shape. Great-ass shape. I want to be strong. Both physically and emotionally. I wanna be able to kick butt in all aspects of my life. I want to be successful. I wanna join the Navy. I wanna build a career. Be smart. Be an activist. Be a politician. Be a teacher. Travel the world. Open a youth center. Be active in my community. Be involved. Show ppl that they are strong. That there is more to life. That they can do amazing things. I am a born leader. I know it. I feel it in my bones.

I feel like I haven't busted out of my shell yet. I think I have before, but then I just climbed right back in & it sealed on me. Now I'm in this shell. And no one sees what I can do. No one sees me. But I know my strength. I know my passion. I know that I can do amazing things. I am smart. And I can love like no other. I have a passion for ppl that can do big things. Now if my actions could only show this. I need to start getting up & putting myself into action. I am an amazing woman & I need to start acting like it.